Hello wonderful humans!
It has been a long hot minute since I last wrote a blog post. I needed some space and time to just be MAS vs Coach MAS as I navigated an important chapter in my own growth and healing. The beautiful result is that I can now offer even more to all of you in the role of Coach MAS. Nothing like a little more real-life experience to add to my coaching expertise! This time has been an exercise in practicing what I preach, reinforcing known antidotes and learning new ones that I can now share with all of you. This is a bit of a long post but if you are interested in reading about how I leaned hard into my greatest fears and lived to tell the tale - read on!
Over the past year, I cleaned up the remaining debris of my heart that was scattered about from a tough breakup (see blog from Oct 2020) and I intentionally took my life in a whole different direction. There were times where I could barely step forward, and then there were times where I joyfully ran down this new path that I had chosen. I am happy to report that more days were spent skipping and running down the new path with a huge smile plastered on my face versus crawling slowly, riddled with the fear and apprehension that I felt when I first started this part of my journey.
I live by the code that if something is not working for you that you should try something else. I have counseled many clients over the years to “just do something! Anything different than what you have been doing” and now was my time to do this exercise myself. When literally my entire life was blown up, the previous path was littered with broken pieces of everything I had known. I was no longer a part of my beloved coaching company that I had worked on for years, my personal partnership was gone, I had moved across the country far away from dear friends, teammates and family. The things that I had worked so hard to build were no longer a part of my life. I had started to make changes that were working but I knew deep down that I needed to push myself even more. And so, I decided to embark on a journey that would expose my deepest wounds, trigger my worst fears and push my heart to be exposed like it had never been exposed before. I decided to take this healing thing to a whole new level.
And so... in August of 2021 I put everything I owned into storage and set off to wander for six months. Off I went in my car with two bicycles (a girl must have her bikes!), my sweet pup Lena, a new ukulele that I planned on learning to play for my first Grandbaby who was due in March of 2022, my jewelry making kits and the clothes that I needed for what I thought would be a trip to all sorts of warm and tropical weather. (Why try to heal in the cold right?) At the time I was lucky enough to have a very good remote job that allowed me this opportunity so I created a loose plan and off I went to see what wandering around on my own would feel like. This 55-year-old, kind of hippie, super sporty girl was off on a super exciting, somewhat terrifying adventure.
The intention around this trip was to really push myself around the fears and insecurities that I had around “being alone” by stripping away things that I thought had brought me comfort in the past. It was literally just me and my pup, wandering from place to place on our own. No partner, no home, no set plans. I got really good at booking one way plane tickets, living out of suitcases, sleeping in different beds, eating by myself, driving for hours alone… I was a single girl with no real plan other than to keep putting myself in experiences that I had previously feared experiencing on my own.
It is important to know that before this time in my life, I had been partnered for as long as I could remember. I had my first boyfriend at just 12 years old and I had been a girlfriend/wife/partner ever since. Most recently, I was married for 20 years, single for just three weeks after my divorce, and then partnered for the next 11 years. (Coach tip here: Take more than 3 weeks to settle down after a divorce before you enter your next relationship).
Up to this point, my life had been spent avoiding the fear that I was not worthy of being loved. A big part of me believed that being untethered to a partner meant that no one was choosing you and not being chosen was bad, very very bad.
But! Another voice inside of me knew that this could not possibly be the case. When I looked deeply at my fears and insecurities, they really did not make sense. How could I (or anyone) not be worthy of being loved? I had loved so many people along the way that had expressed feeling unworthy and I can remember loving them SO MUCH in these moments. Humans can be kinda shitty at times but my goodness, most of the time they are amazing, beautiful, and most definitely worthy of love and compassion. I knew from these experiences that logically this all had to apply to me as well. I had felt so much internal joy at times, so why was I putting so much worth on having a partner by my side? I just had to wander the world alone to prove my theory that I could stand on my own and feel really happy single or otherwise.
And so with all of that, the “Great MASlife Connection Adventure” began. An intentional journey to not only connect with people that I love but to most importantly connect with myself.
In an effort to get the point without this blog post being even more long than it already is, here are the highlights:
I drove back and forth across the country visiting with family and friends. I spent time with my parents since my father was very ill, I took care of my 101-year-old Grandma and spent the most time that I ever had with her. I got to see my Birthmom after way too long and meet a super cool half brother that I had never met in Hawaii. (Shout out to you Jeff!) I tried to get to Saipan to see my oldest son that I have not seen in a long time but that did not happen because of his work and covid. I met and had lots of fun with random men, including one night where I was on the brink of being ticketed for making out with a guy under the stars, resulting in me driving away on my own leaving said guy to deal with a raging man who apparently thought two adults making out was a good reason to call the police. (Sorry again to the guy that I ditched).
I went to Colombia to attend a wedding and to see the amazing “family” that I love so dearly. This part of my trip made me especially vulnerable since this family was formed during my previous life with my last partner and every trip that I had taken there previously was with him. I slept in the same bed that we had slept in so many times. The smells and sounds reminded me of him, and I am not going to sugar coat this, it was surprisingly rough at first. His name came up a lot and so many things were there that we had created and shared together. I found myself thrust back to feeling the loss of him in such a raw and unavoidable way. It was hard but then I also started to notice that my experience with these people I loved was different this time. I was more emotionally available, and they were all right there ready to love every bit of just me.
The trip wound up being incredibly connected. One morning my Colombian sisters & I left the house in the dark, rode up a mountain and climbed a fence to perform a powerful cleansing ritual. As the chants of our holy woman friend Rosita filled the air, we all coated ourselves in salt, molasses and flour and stepped repeatedly into the most powerful spot of an absolutely beautiful waterfall. We got to wash away what no longer needed to be carried.
I emerged from that waterfall absolutely freezing but cleansed and feeling freer than ever before. (Thank you sweet Colombian family for your strong, joyful and abundant love.)
After Colombia I went back to Maryland because my father was becoming rapidly more ill. I actually left Colombia earlier than expected because something was calling me back to him. Shortly after I arrived, he started to actively pass, and I spent almost a month by his side with my mom and brother. It was so tough to watch him transition as it took a really long time for him to move from this earthly realm. As hard as it was, I would not trade one minute of it. I am so honored and grateful to have been there. He died the day after Christmas.
A few days after my dad passed, I drove to Milwaukee, Wisconsin to spend some time with my oldest daughter and her fiancé who were getting married at the end of January. Once again, I found myself in the perfect place, spending unexpected time with them during such an exciting time in their lives.
But! As with all good stories, the unexpected happened and my car was stolen two days after I arrived. Luckily the big stuff like my bikes were not in the car. But that ukulele that I loved so much (and many other things) along with the car were gone.
And...because that apparently getting my car stolen was not enough. ..on that very same day, I was laid off from my very lucrative job that was funding my travels and helping me to be financially secure for the FIRST time in my entire life. Yup, you read that right. Same day. #cantmakethisshitup
And so there I was. My Dad had just died, I had no home, no job and no car and I was left to deal with it all on my own. I had some moments of feeling overwhelmed at the thought of handling it all but I had many more moments of smiling. I had set out to lean into life on my own and holy fuckamoly I now had to rebuild most of it!
After the wedding I squeezed in one final fling with a dear man that I had met in my travels to his place in Puerto Rico. My last travelling hurrah before I faced the reality of no job, no home, no car. My plan after the trip was to move back to New Mexico to be close to my younger daughter when she welcomed her first born into the world. That was the extent of my plan. I had to find a home, a car and a job. Shit was about to get real. Really freakin' real.
Fast forward and now it is March of 2022 and I write to you from my sweet apartment in Santa Fe, New Mexico. I have a beautiful, amazing, wondrous new Granddaughter who has opened my heart wider than ever before. I am borrowing my daughter’s old car to get me around (Thank you so much Lydia!) and I have actually turned down a few jobs that would have given me the financial security that I enjoyed so much with my last work gig. I have decided to take another leap of faith and fully commit to my coaching work. I am super scared at the thought of it not working but it is where my gifts and experiences have led me. I am wired to be a Coach and this is the path that I want to follow.
In addition, I now date out of a place of wholeness versus lack. Every date leads me closer to knowing exactly what I want out of a relationship, and I have appreciated every one of the men that I have met for showing up as themselves and being a part of this journey with me. I no longer NEED a partner and if a new partnership never develops that is perfectly OK. When a new relationship starts I have no idea if it will be short or long. It doesn’t really matter as I am truly OK with whatever happens. Being grounded and happy on my own gives relationships clear and unencumbered space to play out. Ultimately I am happy being on my own or in a relationship that suites me. No matter what, it is all good.
As a direct result of this most recent chapter, my MASlife coaching work is now focused on dating and relationships versus general life coaching. The relationships that we have with others can be hard but they can also be beautiful spaces to experience life with another. Dating can be a roller coaster of emotions but also a spiritual practice that leads us to developing and knowing ourselves better than ever before.
I can help you to start on your dating journey, navigate and design a new relationship, or bring your current relationship to a whole new joyful level.
And so beautiful human, if you got this far, thank you for allowing me to share this story with you. I am here, happier and wiser than ever. You can be too. Just hit me up for some great coaching. Joy and ease in your relationships are right there for you to experience.
Thanks for being here for a few moments. Please leave a comment if you like, it would be great to hear from you.
With big & free love,
Coach MAS
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