Dear Fellow Humans,
I am writing this open letter today to share what is going on for me so that it might help you someday. Maybe it will help today? Maybe you will think of this letter sometime in the future when you need it or maybe you will pass it along to another. Well here it is and here I go.
I am deep in the muck of a broken heart. As I type these words my heart hurts and the screen is blurry through my tears. Dramatic? Yes, but that is the nature of sitting with a heart that is breaking.
My current episode of this state is from what seems to be a final break from the love of my life. (at least the love of my life to date). I was deep in partnership with someone like I never have been before. When people say that someone becomes a part of you that is true for me. I feel so much loss, I feel as if literally a part of me is dying and I still miss him with so much acute pain that somedays I am scared that it will consume me. I truly miss him being in my life. There is a gaping hole so big where "we were”.
The only thing that is getting me through this is that I just hold onto knowing that this is what happens sometimes to us humans. We open up to another with everything that we have and sometimes, many times, it does not last until our last breath. It is the nature of life and love. There is no guarantee and there are always two possible outcomes; it can thrive and last or it can thrive and then break and end.
Now while it does feel good to possibly generate some loving kindness from you that are reading this & possibly gather a community of other broken hearts that is not why I am writing to you today. I am writing to you today to offer another way to look at the power of a broken heart, and another way to climb out of the pain of loss and hopelessness.
I have realized that the ache of my heart is familiar. It has certainly gotten stronger in the dissolution of my partnership, but as I experience it in every breath that I am taking these days, I could not help but notice that the tone of it, the feeling of it didn’t come out of nowhere. I found that it was a feeling that just got bigger and louder and more consuming. I realized that I was walking around this earth always feeling some level of this pain.
Now for those of you that know me or follow me on social media, this may seem surprising. “MA is always smiling!” is something that I hear a lot. But again, this letter is to you, the reader, the fellow human, and if I let you all think that I am always happy that would be a lie and we would be disconnected from that point. Do I have my shit together? Most of the time. Am I happy? Not really for a while now but that is part of life too. So now, hopefully after reading this part, you can know that Coach MA coaches from a place of knowing and experience, albeit in this case, I would really take a pass (or at least a shorter trip) on this pain train that I am currently on.
OK, back to the offerings to you.
As much as I want to find a way to blame the other for this pain, I really can’t. I am creating it and holding onto it. I am also the source of it. My love for my partner was true and very deep but I realize that the agony of this break up includes more than just the loss of him and our life together. As I said before, it has been lurking around for as long as I can remember. I had some things happen to me when I was young that can point to where it first erupted but I think we all carry this pain around. This is why I am talking to you today. I am talking about the pain that comes when you think that you are not worthy of love. The pain of insecurity, the pain of fear and instability.
I have coached a lot of people over the years and I see a LOT of fear. I see so much insecurity in the athletes that I coach. They are training for something to hopefully give them the “fix” of feeling good about themselves. I see so much fear in the people that I coach about relationships, the fear of not finding another is behind them staying in relationships that are not right for them. I saw myself trying so hard to fit the proverbial round peg into a square hole for a decade in my last relationship.
And I feel the all-consuming fear that “no one will ever love me” now that I am once again on my own in this life without a partner. Fuck it is scary and fuck it almost breaks me.
Break ups almost always expose this part of us. Kudos (not really) to those of you that can be deep in relationship and then just move on without this spot getting raw (I think that is true insecurity showing up hence the sarcasm). I truly believe that if you are brave enough to really open up every bit of your being to another then there is no way to just pick up and move on. There is a primal loss that comes with being truly intimate and then having it end. The nature of loss is pain and while it is awful to feel it – it is a signal that you were all the way there. Truly open and exposed to another. Real kudos to those of you that have gotten there – we are a brave order, us humans that can get to that terrifying place!
Insecurity is the reason why we deflect or blame another. Insecurity & fear of exposing that place where we worry if we are worthy is why we shut down, say things like “dating sucks” or “men suck” or “women suck” or whoever you want to proclaim sucks to give you a reason to hide. None of these things suck and if you sit in that truth for a bit…you will realize that as the dust settles, all that is left is you and your life and what you decide to do or not do with it. I am sorry for taking away some of your well-worn excuses but life and dating and relationships do not inherently suck. The truth is that for whatever reason they have not worked out for the long haul for you so far.
So here I am, telling you all that life and love are neutral in their nature and that we all get to do what we want with them. If they are neutral and I am currently reeling from my partner no longer choosing me (yes, hard truth but I wanted to give it another try and he didn’t #awful) – then I must be the reason why it is sucking right now! I must have made it break, I am not worthy of being his choice. I am broken and something must be wrong with me. Sounds logical right? Does my negative voice sound like yours?
Let’s go back to the background pain that I mentioned above. The sound of fear that I am unworthy of being deeply known and deeply loved. The fear that you probably have too (if you are human).
I offer to you today, the option to get to know this pain. To look at your insecurities with curiosity not judgement. To notice what you do to try to avoid feeling unsettled or scared. For me, I clung to a relationship that was too cold for my nature. For me, I carry around a scan of “am I fit enough, fun enough, pretty enough, smart enough”. I do feel very settled in myself at times but given the right conditions my insecurities are right there ready to take charge. I am guessing that the same is true for you.
The good news is that I am worthy even with my fears and so are you.
Writing this letter feels like jumping off of a cliff into an abyss. I am fighting the urge to delete it all. I am scared of telling you all how insecure I feel at times, after all, this is on a LIFE COACHING page! I am Coach MA! But fuck it – we are all scared at times and I am hopeful that sharing this with you may help.
At this point, I think that the “fix” is to just aim to keep that voice of fear and insecurity as small as possible. First you must acknowledge that it is really there. (I am throwing the BULL – SHITTTTT card at anyone who says that it isn’t). Then start to notice what you do in life to keep that little beast from rearing up. Are you working out so that people will think you are cool? Are you staying in a bad relationship just because you are so scared at the thought of being out in the world on your own?
Then imagine just being you because you choose it for your own personal joy and happiness. If you are truly settled and happy – the world gets more settled and happy. Your interactions are genuine & not fueled by trying to “get something”. Imagine training for a race because you love it and it is fun. Not the kudos your get for doing it, but because it brings you joy to your life no matter what the outcome.
Imagine being out in the world alone because you want to be free and open as you are. I am working to get to this place. I am here world! Definitely scarred and absolutely scared but open.
Imagine walking around KNOWING that a part of you is really scared. Imagine sharing that with the next partner you choose. Imagine letting the soft sound of fear be a gentle reminder that you are scared but doing it anyway.
I am super scared but doing this anyway.
On the other side of fear is COURAGE. But to be truly brave we must first acknowledge that we are scared. Find your places where you feel scared and look around. They are opportunities for you to be brave! They are opportunities for you to know every bit of you and they are opportunities for you to settle down, be OK with your imperfections and step out into the world proudly displaying your “as is” sticker.
The next time I am in partnership with someone (if it happens) I am REALLY opening up every bit of me to them. . I am going to let them know from the start that part of me is scared of not being loved by another (because it sucks ass when it happens). I am going to tell them that I get anxious sometimes when my head gets going and that I know it all about me and that I am here with all of it – ready to share and ready to love every bit of them too. That seems like a pretty cool space doesn’t it? We can create this space for ourselves and another if we are willing to bring it all to the table.
So here you go fellow scared and scarred human. I love you. I see you. I am you. And if you are reading this far, thanks for listening. I hope it helped. I hope it opens up a safe space for you to look around and see where you are scared too. It is OK. We all are.
With great love & understanding,
Coach MA
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